


The One Who Gripped You Tight and Refused To Let You Go

by AllFuckedUpOnLove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU Where Cas is Alive, Abusive John Winchester, Accepting Sam Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Dean, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Sam Knows, Sam has known for a long time, Supportive Castiel, Supportive Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllFuckedUpOnLove/pseuds/AllFuckedUpOnLove
Summary: Dean has always struggled with coming to terms with who he is. But when he’s forced to confront how he feels about Cas, Dean must choose between repressing this part of himself, or opening himself up to something new.(CW: Flashbacks to past abuse, depictions of violence, homophobic language)





	The One Who Gripped You Tight and Refused To Let You Go

Dean crept into the kitchen of the bunker, rubbing his eyes. It was late at night and he didn’t want to wake Sammy, but he couldn’t fall back asleep. He poured himself a shot of whiskey which he downed in a quick gulp. He shook his head, trying to silence the voice that was keeping him up.

It had been years, but Dean still couldn’t erase the memory. His dad wasn’t the poster child for A+ parenting, but Dean had come to terms with that. For the most part anyway.

But tonight, he had a dream, like so many other nights, where a certain angelic figure sneaks into his bed. Tonight, he woke up, like so many other nights, because he could still hear John’s voice. He could still feel the pain.

He was maybe thirteen years old, right in the awkward thralls of puberty, and discovering new feelings. He was popping boners left and right for the girls on the cheerleading squad, the substitute English teacher… Nathan from the baseball team.

His dad was gone most of the time, out hunting, Sammy was still a kid, Dean was in and out of schools, his mother was dead, he didn’t exactly have anyone to talk to about all this.

But as it turned out, there wouldn’t be much talking at all.

John came home drunk one night, and found a questionable magazine in the bathroom. Dean figured the Playboy buffer would be enough that no one would ever see the copy of Playgirl inside. Dean had rushed out of the bathroom when he thought Sam had gotten hurt, leaving the magazine behind.

John found it and was furious. He stormed into the living room where Dean was watching TV. Sam had fallen asleep a few hours before.

Dean’s moment of relaxation was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of leather slipping through belt loops. Dean knew what would happen next.

“Is that your magazine I found in the bathroom?”

Dean was terrified. “No, sir.”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me, boy. It ain’t Sam’s and it sure as hell ain’t mine.” John cracked the belt in his hand, causing Dean to flinch.

Dean didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell the truth, but lying wasn’t going to work out for him either. He tried to run to the door, but John grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to the center of the room.

“I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean for-”

John lashed the belt against Dean’s side, cutting him off mid-sentence.

“You’re supposed to be the man of the house, Dean!” John yelled, swinging his belt through the air. “No son of mine is going to like boys, do you fucking hear me?” He brought his belt down again and again.

“Dad please!” Dean cried out, pleading for John to stop. He tried to crawl away, but John continued his rampage.

“I leave you here to watch your brother! What kind of example are you setting for him?”

John whipped Dean over and over, leaving welts all over Dean’s back.

“Dad! Stop!”

“Fucking disgusting! You like dick, boy? I got a fucking faggot for a son!” John snapped the belt across Dean’s face, splitting his lip open.

“I’m not…Dad...I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I’ll stop. I promise. I’ll be a good son. Nothing like this will ever happen again. P-please, just stop.” Dean was trying to hold back his tears, not wanting his father to see him as being any more weak than he already had.

John lowered his arm, a look of pure repulsion settled into his face. Dean had never seen him this angry.

“That’s what I thought. Don’t ever let me catch you with this fairy shit ever again or you’ll see what a real beating feels like.”

“Yes, sir.” Dean nodded, wiping the blood from the corner of his lip before running off to the bathroom. He lifted his shirt, seeing the raw skin and blood reflected in the mirror. In that moment, he swore that he would never let this part of himself surface again. He made a vow to keep it buried alongside everything else he had repressed over the years.

Fast forward to Dean standing in his kitchen, drinking another shot, trying to drown the memory of pain. He had done so well over the years; insisting that he doesn’t swing that way, flirting with the hottest girls in the area, denying that he felt anything for members of the same gender. It was all about the women. Girls, girls, girls, 24/7. He was a man’s man, despite what the phrase might imply.

He hooked up with tons of girls in small towns all over the US. Endless one-night-stands that meant nothing. He pretended that they might grow into something more, but nonetheless, he’d hop in his car and drive off in the morning.

He had a feeling Sammy had picked up on things over the years. He’d joke with Dean about overcompensating, or about the idea of him having a relationship with Cas. Sam had never said anything negative toward him though, so maybe he would be okay with it.

Dean tried to tell himself that John was long gone, and Sam would be there for him no matter what. That people were a lot more open minded now than they were back then. But there wasn’t enough convincing that could erase the terror his father instilled in him.

“Dean?”

A soft voice called from the other side of the room. Dean lifted his head, to see Cas, messy haired and sleepy, checking in on him.

“What are you doing up, Cas?” Dean asked.

“I heard someone out here. What are _you_ doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Cas pulled out a chair and sat next to Dean. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Dean stared into the the angel’s blue eyes, his soft hair that he wanted to run his hands through, the pajama pants that Dean let him borrow. He thought about how much he cared for this man. How much he wanted to hold him. All the things he could open himself up to. But he couldn’t.

“No.” Dean stood up, bringing the shot glass over to the sink.

“You know,” Cas said, picking up the bottle of alcohol, “Bottling things up is great for whiskey. Not so great for people.”

Cas placed the bottle inside of the cupboard.

“Thanks for the pep talk, Dr. Phil.”

“I’m serious, Dean.”

“So am I, Cas. There’s nothing to talk about. I just had a bad dream. That’s it. I’ve been to hell and back, so I don’t think a nightmare is exactly out of my wheelhouse.”

Cas looked at him, a mix of empathy and frustration. “I’d like to help, Dean. You’re my friend and I care about you.”

“Look, buddy. I appreciate that you care so much. That’s a good trait to have, but not everything needs a therapy session.”

“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep everything to yourself. You don’t always have to carry the weight of this life on your own.”

Dean shook his head, a half-smile on his face. “I’m good, Cas. I’m going back to bed. Goodnight.”

Dean walked back to his room, and Cas back to his. Dean sunk his head into the pillow, his thoughts racing. On one side, there was John, yelling, punching, beating. On the other side, there was the gentle voice of a man who Dean longed to call something other than friend.

Dean wanted to be able to accept the truth about how he was feeling. He knew Cas was a good person. Cas, more than anybody else, could understand what he was going though. He was the first man to lay a hand on him out of love. One of the only men to leave a mark on his body that wasn’t meant to kill a part of him. Ever since Cas raised Dean from perdition, they shared a very profound bond; more profound than Dean was willing to admit.

He rolled over on his side, pulling the covers over his head, and tried to fall asleep. He hoped the night would be dreamless, because either way, he didn’t want to deal with this.

 

 ~     ~     ~

 

The next morning, Dean woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs. He rolled out of bed, the floor creaking under his feet as he made his way to the kitchen. Sam was cooking something on the stove, and Cas was pouring coffee.

“Morning, sunshine,” Cas said, smiling at Dean.

“What’s all this?”

“Well, Cas said you had kind of a rough night and he thought we’d make you a nice hearty breakfast to get you back in the game.” Sam shoveled sausage from the frying pan onto a plate in the center of the table. “Oh! We found a potential case in Colorado. It looks like a pack of werewolves. It might be worth checking out.”

Dean sat down and grabbed a plate. “You guys didn’t have to do all this.”

“Just shut up and eat your eggs,” Sam said, sitting across from Dean.

“Yeah,” Cas began, taking a bite of toast, “Shut up and eat your eggs.”

Dean smiled, and dug into his breakfast.

The three made casual talk about the werewolf situation, and what their game plan would be when they got into town.

Sam couldn’t help but notice the light in Dean’s eyes when he looked at Cas. He would never bring it up, because he knew how guarded his brother was, but there was no doubt there was something between the two of them.

At most, Sam would drop hints here and there, trying to let Dean know he would support him regardless of his decision and that he just wanted him to be happy. Being around Dean when he’s anywhere near Cas, you can tell, that’s when he’s the happiest.

The morning went on easy. Once they finished eating, Cas cleared the table and started to wash the dishes.

“Look man,” Sam whispered, trying to keep the conversation out of earshot. “You’re my brother and I’m not going to tell you how to live your life but, do you ever think that maybe... you could have days like this all the time?”

Dean stopped drinking his coffee mid-sip, setting his cup on the table, “No. We live a hunter's life. This Sunday breakfast, sun shining, birds chirping crap doesn’t last. Not for us. I’m going to finish this cup of coffee, then we’re going to hop into Baby and take a trip to Colorado to kill some werewolves. And that’s what I get to have. That’s my everyday.”

“Fair enough.” Sam stood up, placing his cup in the sink for Cas to wash. “But don’t sell yourself short because you’re scared of what you might lose ... Or of what you might gain.”

Sam left to gather some things for the trip, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

Cas hummed quietly as he washed the dishes. Dean walked over, grabbing a dish towel.

“Mind if dry?”

Cas shook his head, “No.”

They washed and dried the dishes in a comfortable silence. Basking in the subtle bliss and domestic calm of the moment. It was like their pasts never happened. Like the world was a blank slate and they were writing their future.

Cas finished washing a cup, and handed it to Dean. Their fingers brushed, and a spark coursed through Dean’s body. He quickly began toweling off the water, turning his head to hide the smirk on his face.

“You know,” Cas began, “the bottle says that Dawn not only saves wildlife, but it makes your hands softer in just three uses.”

“You don’t say.”

“See,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand into his own, the warm water dripping between their fingers. “Tell me these hands aren’t ready to save all the oil-slicked baby ducklings in the world.”

Dean swallowed, heart racing. Cas’s hands _were_ soft. And gentle. And holding his.

He pulled his hand away, going back to drying the dishes. It was too much. Cas, right there, touching him, smiling like a dumb baby. It made his heart feel something other than sorrow and pain, and that, in and of itself, was terrifying.

“Well, I think I’ll grab a beer. You want one?” Dean said, placing the towel on the counter.

“No thank you, Dean.” Cas turned the water off and dried his hands. “Is there something still bothering you? You seem a little on edge?”

“Nope! I’m peachy-keen.” Dean grabbed a bottle from the fridge, opened it, and took a swig.

“‘No you’re not. I know when you’re lying.”

“It’s nothing, Cas. No need to get your trench coat in a bunch.”

“My trench coat is neatly folded in my room.”

Dean laughed, “Nevermind.”

“I just want you to talk to me, Dean. Is that so much to ask?”

Dean could see that his response has upset Cas. He didn’t mean to, he just wasn’t big on sharing his feelings. But he couldn’t bare to see the look on Cas’s face any longer.

“Okay fine. I’ve been… questioning things a lot lately. I’ve realized that there are things in this life that I feel I’ve missed out on. There’s still so much out there that I want to experience, for the first time maybe, and it scares the shit out of me man.”

“What do you mean?”

Dean knew this was a bad idea. These were old wounds that weren’t meant to be opened back up. It was best to leave them be.

“I can’t do this, Cas.”

“I just want to help.”

“I don’t think you can on this one, buddy.” Dean patted Cas on the shoulder. It was a lie, and Dean knew that. He just didn’t think he was ready to go down that road. Dean started to walk out of the room, when he heard a voice call out:

“I love you.”

Cas’s voice was quick and urgent. He didn’t really stop to think about what he was saying, it just flew from his mouth.

Dean stopped, turning around slowly.

“I know you do. And that’s why you’re my best friend. You always-”

“No, Dean.” Cas took a couple steps forward so he was standing face to face with the other man. “I _love_ you. And if you’re too scared to say it, then I will.”

Dean eyes were filled with terror, and shock, and hope. He could feel the warmth of Cas’s breathe against his chin.

“I can’t,” Dean whispered.

Cas was instantly filled with disappointment. He wasn’t sure what he expected to happen, but he hoped it would be different than this.

“Fine, Dean. If that’s what you want, I’ll respect your wishes.”

“That’s not what I want, Cas.”

“I don’t understand. If that’s not what you want, then why do you keep pushing me away?”

“Because that’s what I was taught!”

Dean lowered his head, not wanting to look Cas in the eye. He was embarrassed. He was ashamed.

“My dad let me know early on that whatever _this_ is, these feelings that I have, it’s not acceptable.”

“I don’t think your father has ever been qualified to speak on what is acceptable.”

Dean sat down at the table, his back to Cas.

“He told me I was supposed to be the man of the house. I had to be a father figure to Sammy. I couldn’t…” Dean took another sip of his drink. “I’m not supposed to feel this way, okay? I thought, as I got older, it would go away. It was just some phase or whatever they tell you when you’re a teenager. But it never went away. And now that times have changed and people are more accepting, I thought maybe I could convince myself to be honest about everything, but I can’t. John’s voice is still in the back of my head. The fear he put in my heart is still there.”

“I understand.” Cas placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder as he sat down next to him. “I don’t want to force you into something you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Look, Cas.” Dean took a moment to think about what he wanted to say. Nothing about this was easy for him. “I’ve never brought any of this up because I still haven’t fully come to terms with it. Everyone assumes that I’m straight, which is fine, because that’s how I’ve wanted it to be. But I know the truth.”

Dean was beyond scared. But then he looked into those beautiful blue eyes, and he knew he couldn’t fight this any longer.

“I know that I love women, there’s no doubt in my mind about that... but hell, if I don’t love you too.”

Dean lifted his gaze to meet Cas’s, and there it was; Their profound bond. Cas smiled and it warmed Dean’s heart.

“You love me too?” Cas asked, tilting his head to the side. He looked like a puppy dog in puppy love.

Dean nodded, “Yeah, I do.”

Cas smiled, “I never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth.”

“Well, that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, so...”

“Coming from a man who has saved the world on multiple occasions, I’ll take that as a great compliment.”

A brief moment of silence fell between them. Cas stared at the man across from him. His bright green eyes, his freckled cheeks, his trembling lips. Cas had never seen anyone as beautiful as Dean Winchester.

Cas was the one to finally break the silence, gaining enough courage to say what was on his mind.

“Dean, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable but, I would very much like to kiss you.”

Dean’s breath caught in his throat. He had fantasized about this moment for years, and here it was, right in front of him. Dean’s gaze shifted between Cas’s eyes and his lips. His heartbeat was pounding in his ears and his palms were sweaty. He couldn’t bring himself to answer, so he just nodded his head.

Cas leaned over, a swirl of blue and brown, floating out of focus. He gently placed his hand on Dean’s cheek, his mouth hovering over Dean’s. Cas was hesitant, wanting to make sure this was ok.

Dean gave into his hunger and closed the space between them, pressing his lips against the Angel’s. Dean tasted like beer and Cas tasted like everything Dean’s soul had been missing.

Cas pressed his tongue passed the other man’s lips, deepening the kiss. He had waited so long of this moment.

This was nothing like any other kiss Dean had ever experienced. This was so soft, and light. A gentle caress. There was no pain, no hatred, no rage behind it. This was pure love. This was more than a quick hook up or something to numb his past. This was different, and so, so, good.

Dean’s hand found it’s way into Cas’s hair, pulling lightly. Dean wanted so much more. He wanted to live the rest of his life in this moment.

Dean bit down on Cas’s bottom lip as they pulled apart. Their foreheads touched as they breathed each other in.

“That was…” Cas was speechless.

“Amazing,” Dean said as a smile spread across his face.

Cas trailed his hand from Dean’s cheek, down his arm, to his hand.

“I know you may not think it,” Cas said, kissing the tips of Dean’s fingers, “but you _are_ worthy of love.”

Dean shook his head, “I don’t…”

“Shh.” Cas pressed a gentle kiss to the palm of Dean’s hand.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve to be happy. And you deserve to be cared for. And that is the only thing I want to do. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Despite our ups and downs, there is no other being in Heaven or on Earth that I would rather be with.”

In that moment, all the negative thoughts that had been haunting Dean were silenced. He felt a sense of peace wash over him. This felt right. It felt like home.

Dean knew he had been a dick to Cas so many times, and that he was an alcohol-fueled trainwreck, but here Cas was, handsome and kind, willing to accept him for everything that he was.

“Don’t ever change, Cas.”

Cas was looking at Dean like the universe existed within his eyes. Dean had never been looked at like that. Like he was something precious. Like he was more than damaged goods dragged back from hell.

“Same to you, my little lumberjack.” Cas took his pointer finger and booped Dean on the nose. Dean wanted to be disgusted, but honestly, it was cute.

“Alright, alright. Enough of the chick-flick moments. We got some monsters to hunt! Where do you want to stop for lunch? I’m buying.”

“I’ll go wherever you go.” Cas had a smile cemented on his face. Dean couldn’t recall the last time he had seen Cas so happy. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember the last time _he_ was this happy.

“Well, I’m up for burgers. We could probably help Sam finish packing and then head out.”

“What are we going to tell him?” Cas asked.

“We’re not going to tell him anything.”

“Do you think Sam won’t be okay with this?”

“Oh, I have no doubt he will be, but if you think I’m driving all the way to Colorado with his Paul Bunyan ass cracking jokes the whole time, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“Too late!” Sam said, entering the kitchen with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. “So would you guys prefer that I stick with the conventional Destiel, or can I opt for my personal favorite: CasDean?”

Dean face quickly grew stern.

“Shut your mouth and get in the car.”

The three boys headed out to the Impala, and packed their things in the trunk. Sam sat in the back, listening to podcasts in between wisecracks. Cas rode shotgun while Dean drove. It didn’t go unnoticed that they spent the whole ride holding hands and listening to the Zeppelin Mixtape Dean had made for Cas.

This wasn’t what any of them had expected, but Dean couldn’t help but feel like he finally got a slice of the normal life he had always wanted. He was with his brother, his best friend, who was also the love of his life, and he was driving Baby down an open road on his way to save to the world. It wasn’t perfect, but Dean couldn’t imagine a better life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave Kudos or comments!  
> You guys are the best! :) :) :)
> 
> Edit: Deadass, thank you all for liking this fic. And bookmarking it. It makes me smile.


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